Halloween!

So I'm writing this a week later, but I don't care.

I dressed up as a leprachaun for Halloween. The ward party was lame, so we went trick or treating.

I was hyper.

That was mainly an act.

Bleah... bored

You Should Get a MD (Doctor of Medicine)

You're both compassionate and brilliant - a rare combination. You were born to be a doctor.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Personality Profile

You are nurturing, kind, and lucky. Like mother nature, you want to help everyone. You are good at keeping secrets and tend to be secretive. A seeker of harmony, you are a natural peacemaker. You are good natured and people enjoy your company. You put people at ease and make them feel at home with you.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

That's what I would have gotten a couple days ago. However, today....

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You Are Internal - Realist - Powerful

You feel your life is controlled internally. If you want something, you make it happen. You don't wait around for things to go your way. You value your independence and don't like others to have control. You are a realist when it comes to luck. You don't attribute everything to luck, but you do know some things are random. You don't beat yourself up when bad things happen to you... But you do your best to try to make your own luck. When it comes to who's in charge, it's you. Life is a kingdom, and you're the grand ruler. You don't care much about what others think. But they better care what you think!

The Three Dimension Luck and Power Test

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people. You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together. Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly. People crave your praise and complements.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

That's enough for now.

Single

So a "wise" doctor told my human biology professor that you can't have a relationship completely based on sex. You also can't have one without sex. This was the opening to the lecture on sexual anatomy on Monday.

My thoughts... men and women do not understand each other. Being as such, we should learn from the smarter animals (not ravens who mate for life) and simply go through life single.

Yes, that's a lie. As much as I hate the whole... relationship thing...

I am choosing not to cry.



I AM learning from little kids. The robot toy is the coolest! Being human... is one of those sucky things and I don't remember.... yes I do but that's not the point... why I decided to start feeling things again.

So... yeah.... I did learn that God truly is watching out for me though.

Like five guys (online.... I find that really pathetic) have asked me in the last like.... week..... if they could take me out on a date. Now that I could... I really don't want to.

This was not a good day to wake up with a migraine. Actually, this was just.... overall a bad day. But I did learn that Brittany is even more freaking awesome than I had thought. And so is Megan. And I told Melissa about how I used to cut.

Screw it. This is my blog, I'm sick of holding back details because of who I give the address out to.


So Kody told me that I'm more like a sister to him.

The thing that doesnt' add up is that he said that it happens to him in all his relationships. See... before he told me that if any of his old girlfriends would take him back, he would be with them. So... yeah.

I kinda crawled under the bed and bawled till he left, then I went into the bathroom and tore apart a razor (it was a crappy one that always knicked my legs way bad) and as soon as I got it apart I realized how pathetic and hilarious the situation was, and started laughing hysterically and fell on the bathroom floor. I got up to.... play.... with the blade I'd finally gotten off, then burst out crying again.... or laughing.... I honestly don't know which. Megan knocked on the door.... which was a Godsend..... literally. I had just been thinking that what I ought to do is just leave and give them to Megan cause I knew I wasn't strong enough to just throw them away..... I knocked the door wedge out (which I had firmly in position) and let her in.... threw away the blades, and like...... that's the first time anyone has ever been home in the midst of me cutting. Always before.... when I used to cut, I would like, plan in advance when no one would be home and do it then.

Megan told me once I was..... sane.... again, that she had this nagging feeling that she tried really hard to shake that she needed to go talk to me. The Holy Ghost is real. This is the kind of thing that..... let's me know that the church is where I need to be.

Anyways.... after cleaning up my fingers which were sliced open a bit from the furious fight with the razor (dang those things are hard to pull apart) we went back into our room and after many hugs, I got online.

Basically, online... I found friends... but no real comfort. Looking at anyone's face basically sent me crying.... so I didn't really want to do that. Brittany came over and I just tried to stay focused on the computer. Then I decided I couldn't take it anymore and turned to tell them I was going on a walk and of course started crying.... so then Britt gave me a hug and I basically only said that life sucks cause I couldn't say more than that, grabbed a blanket, and went on my walk.

I basically speed walked looking for a field. I didn't want the park. So I went to the edge of town and since the fields I had found all had fences, I put the blanket on the gravel by the road and just let it all out. Didn't take..... too relatively long to realize a lot of things. I came back in a cynical sort of mood, on the verge of tears still but pretending not to be. Britt gave me.... an awesome note. Megan seemed quite unsure of the change which.... was pretty accurate I figure.... mm..... yeah, I basically had a mental breakdown and was on a rollercoaster ride.

Anyways..... after many talks and hugs.... I feel..... like not all men suck. This time, though.... I'm thinking I'm going to do like.... the smart thing.... and go a long while without thinking about boys. Maybe it's time to move to Colorado or something.... mm.... Denver.....



I now shall eat tapioca. (that's a lie, it's not set up). Then maybe wedge myself back underneath the bed. No. I'll go to bed. Cause sleep would be good... and my eyes really really hurt.

Heh.... heh heh..... heh

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

So addicted...

Anger

It's a funny thing.

People do exactly what they want to do. If you want to hurt people... you hurt them. If you want to be suicidal... you're suicidal.

Everyone has... an infinite amount of self control. It all just depends on what you truly want. I want to remain temple worthy. So that will happen no matter what it takes. I want to become a better person. Part of that... means I'm going to get hurt easier. I'm opening up... the softer part of me... and when I'm met with hostility... it hurts dang bad. But that does NOT mean that I have to close up. Even if night after night... I end up in tears... it's better than the way it used to be.

And I hate hypocrites. And I will do all that is in my power to never become one.

Crap

When someone hurts you more than they help you, it's time to say goodbye. That's why I'm doing it. It's become a mystery to me.... how things online were once so important to me. I could totally live without internet. There are a couple people I enjoy talking to... like Ashley. Only I can call her now too, so... that's fixed. That reminds me.... I gotta run so I'm gonna say it here, Kristy, email me your phone number again.

I don't like the person that comes out when I'm online. It's time to seriously move on. I'm into the whole... becoming the best person I can be thing. Part of that is saying goodbye to some of the bad habits I created over the years. I can talk... better.... I think about things hard to talk about to Kody and Megan than I could online. Cause I get a real response... and a hug. I was scared of the emotion once.... but it's time to let myself feel things again. Truly feel things.



You become whatever the person you are with expects you to be. I'm tired of being around those who expect me to be a brat or a mentally ill individual. I'm to the point of considering going off meds (with the consult of my psychiatrist) just to see if I can hack it without. Maybe that will happen during the summer. No. The summer... I'm going to work in Alaska. Dreams of other possibilities are pointless. If I can get the job... if they actually give me the job... I'm going. It'll be good for me, and to be able to help others like I need to, I need to be healthy.



The things that hurt the most... betrayal... doubt... I'm still thinking about becoming a business major because of one stupid comment that had no grounds. I don't like business. I don't want to sit at a desk messing with numbers in a computer all day. I know it's more than that. But I seriously doubt my abilities... because of her. I have more scars from her than everything else combined. Excuse me for being tired of it. I am going through and getting rid of the emails. I'm tired of the reminders of all the pain. I'm tired of the games. I hate games. I hate them with a passion.

Yeah.

Betrayal

one of the most painful emotions is what comes when you've been betrayed. I carved Betrayal into my skin because of Abby. It was the best evidence I could get to prove that human beings care more for themselves than their friends.
Don't try to prove me wrong. There are few exceptions. I like to believe I'm one of them. And now to decide based on either the present or the future. I've always been one with a mind solidly on the future or the past. I never cared about the present. I would go through pain now for the hope of happiness in the future.

Deuteronomy 33:15... maybe it was 30:15 or verse 17.... talks about unicorns. Hannibal's attempt to conquer Rome was screwed when his elephants were massacred by unicorns.

I love that bus driver. He really does remind me of my grandpa in ways. I really miss him.

I need the mountains

Which Famous Revolutionary Are You? Che Guevara “At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love.”

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Life.... is far too complicated for my tastes. I would enjoy a break greatly.

*sigh*

My life seems to find great pleasure in screwing me over. I basically feel like laying down and sleeping for three days, just getting lost in my own head, be stuck with my demons for a few years with no one to remind me of sanity. Now to catch the bus.

Men

Me and Megan have decided that men have NO right to whine about how women are so complicated for they are just as, if not MORE comlicated than us. HA!

Anywho, so I didn't go work out as planned, so I have a ton of energy. So I ran around the dorm for a while, and I'm not tired at all. It's awesome. It's sad, though, tomorrow I won't be exercising since I'm going to Megan's. Happy too, though, cause it will be a ton of fun.

Cadaver!!!!

Oooooh, who likes looking at dead bodies?!?! I think I still reak from the chemicals probably. Ha ha ha ha.... there were only two boys as weird as me that decided to stay till after class and play with the cadaver. My hands still kinda smell like latex. I hate that! Barely, though. I've washed my hands a ton. The guy had a freaking enlarged liver with some disease, a little disease in the kidney, and his ribcage had been

Just to insert a quote right here... "It is said in most vampire societies that getting bit doesn't hurt... but they scream anyways." Kody
*giggling from Megan, Kody, and I dispenses* This will be explained when I'm done with the cadaver. Cause I'm mean like that.

sewn shut, meaning he'd had a major surgery during his life. He was not a smoker, but had definately had a bit too much toxins. And he had tattoos. You couldn't make out the face since it had been torn apart, most of the skin gone entirely. An interesting question I would pose is what they did with his brain which was one of the couple organs removed. He had weak abs. I think. They'd gotten rid of most of the fat. The pancreas was missing. I got to feel the inside of his skull. And other.... interesting things. He he he he he.... sooo much fun. I thought I would at least be a little grossed out, but not at all actually.

Ok, I'll spare you of the rest.

So after that, I took a test, then rented some classical cds, then came home. There, I ate and prepared for 8 pm which.... WAS DRACULA!!! He he he he he he.... duuuuuude... .Braham Stocker is freaking awesome!!! I'm going to be inserting the lines about betrayal later on. Which.... explains why the word is etched in my skin. Oh, the cadaver's skin............. lol.... right, I was stopping.

So.... They did an absolutely incredible job. It makes me wish I'd gone into theater like I intended at one point. Like.... acting comes naturally to me... it works well. *sigh*

And now to run out of this place (I'm at Kody's) since it's now 11:30 and uh..... girl kick out is at 11.

Much love to all... even those who have betrayed.

The Crazy Night Life of.... Shelly

Yeah, so the last two nights have been... awesome. K, Sunday I had my mom just drive me down to Megan's house which cuts off about forty-five minutes of the two and a half hour trip. This was done mainly because I wanted to meet some of the people Kody and Megan talk about. So... traffic issues left me hitting Megan's house at about 7 pm. Megan and I then went around saying bye to a couple friends. It was slightly awkward at moments, but overall fun. Then, at 8:15 we went to Sean's house (ex boyfriend of Megan). Coolest house I've ever been in. Like... wow, I can't even describe it. It's not one of those millionare houses, those suck. It's like.... one of the houses that you could go exploring in.... not that it's big. Like... it defies description. Now.... I was told he was good looking... the picture in my head.... was.... pitiful when matched with him. He's got a long, but not too long face, with one of the really cute little goatees that like.... it's just the middle that's grown in a little bit... and he's got incredible hair. Mostly short, but it gets longer as you go to the front to give him an..... incredible look and his hair is like... almost black which is delicious and he just had one small streak at the front bleached....
I should probably stop now but like..... just a fantastic looking guy.
So a bunch of people showed up at the house, and then we went and jumped on the tramp for a while.... 8 people on the tramp... was interesting. So then after... a while, we headed out to Provo to go to BYU. I never knew, but at about ten they start singing hymns and stuff.... and I think the group grew to like.... over a hundred people.... it was incredible. One of the few times I've really had fun singing. That ended at like 11:30 and we started driving back around 12:15, got to Ephraim at 1 am, then talked to Megan till 2 am when we decided to go to sleep since I had to get up at 8:30 for class. Oh, and got one of the lift you up hugs from Sean, which is always fun. Hugs make me happy. But like, I don't get them very often... which is... sad...

So.... tonight, we went and excercised for about an hour and a half, which was a ton of fun, but my muscles are going to ache. Then we came back and I showered as Megan, Kody, and Melissa went swimming. I got attacked by an earwig.... that story is probably coming.... but I'm tired of telling it at the moment. Then we went and played TENNIS for about half an hour before a cop came and told us that the park closed at 11. However, I was doing really good and it was awesome when I played against Kody (who, by the way, said that my outfit was sexy.... which made me very happy) cause we completely exhausted ourselves by running for the ball and hitting it no matter how many times it had bounced or how it didn't even.... get to my side while it was still in bounds.... it was so awesome. Especially since I had Kody wearing my small hoodie since he was cold and I was fine in my tank top. I love offering my jacket or hoodie to people who are cold... makes me feel very happy I did it like, every day in eigth grade for this girl who would get cold. At midnight, we went to Denny's... in Selina which is forty five minutes from Ephraim. It was awesome, I got really really hyper and stuff. About a hundred people or so from my school came. Wow... I'm starting to finally get tired. Only four am. Anyways, got back here at about 3:30 or so. Overall.... just a fantastic day.

And now.... to bed.