Single

So a "wise" doctor told my human biology professor that you can't have a relationship completely based on sex. You also can't have one without sex. This was the opening to the lecture on sexual anatomy on Monday.

My thoughts... men and women do not understand each other. Being as such, we should learn from the smarter animals (not ravens who mate for life) and simply go through life single.

Yes, that's a lie. As much as I hate the whole... relationship thing...

I am choosing not to cry.



I AM learning from little kids. The robot toy is the coolest! Being human... is one of those sucky things and I don't remember.... yes I do but that's not the point... why I decided to start feeling things again.

So... yeah.... I did learn that God truly is watching out for me though.

Like five guys (online.... I find that really pathetic) have asked me in the last like.... week..... if they could take me out on a date. Now that I could... I really don't want to.

This was not a good day to wake up with a migraine. Actually, this was just.... overall a bad day. But I did learn that Brittany is even more freaking awesome than I had thought. And so is Megan. And I told Melissa about how I used to cut.

Screw it. This is my blog, I'm sick of holding back details because of who I give the address out to.


So Kody told me that I'm more like a sister to him.

The thing that doesnt' add up is that he said that it happens to him in all his relationships. See... before he told me that if any of his old girlfriends would take him back, he would be with them. So... yeah.

I kinda crawled under the bed and bawled till he left, then I went into the bathroom and tore apart a razor (it was a crappy one that always knicked my legs way bad) and as soon as I got it apart I realized how pathetic and hilarious the situation was, and started laughing hysterically and fell on the bathroom floor. I got up to.... play.... with the blade I'd finally gotten off, then burst out crying again.... or laughing.... I honestly don't know which. Megan knocked on the door.... which was a Godsend..... literally. I had just been thinking that what I ought to do is just leave and give them to Megan cause I knew I wasn't strong enough to just throw them away..... I knocked the door wedge out (which I had firmly in position) and let her in.... threw away the blades, and like...... that's the first time anyone has ever been home in the midst of me cutting. Always before.... when I used to cut, I would like, plan in advance when no one would be home and do it then.

Megan told me once I was..... sane.... again, that she had this nagging feeling that she tried really hard to shake that she needed to go talk to me. The Holy Ghost is real. This is the kind of thing that..... let's me know that the church is where I need to be.

Anyways.... after cleaning up my fingers which were sliced open a bit from the furious fight with the razor (dang those things are hard to pull apart) we went back into our room and after many hugs, I got online.

Basically, online... I found friends... but no real comfort. Looking at anyone's face basically sent me crying.... so I didn't really want to do that. Brittany came over and I just tried to stay focused on the computer. Then I decided I couldn't take it anymore and turned to tell them I was going on a walk and of course started crying.... so then Britt gave me a hug and I basically only said that life sucks cause I couldn't say more than that, grabbed a blanket, and went on my walk.

I basically speed walked looking for a field. I didn't want the park. So I went to the edge of town and since the fields I had found all had fences, I put the blanket on the gravel by the road and just let it all out. Didn't take..... too relatively long to realize a lot of things. I came back in a cynical sort of mood, on the verge of tears still but pretending not to be. Britt gave me.... an awesome note. Megan seemed quite unsure of the change which.... was pretty accurate I figure.... mm..... yeah, I basically had a mental breakdown and was on a rollercoaster ride.

Anyways..... after many talks and hugs.... I feel..... like not all men suck. This time, though.... I'm thinking I'm going to do like.... the smart thing.... and go a long while without thinking about boys. Maybe it's time to move to Colorado or something.... mm.... Denver.....



I now shall eat tapioca. (that's a lie, it's not set up). Then maybe wedge myself back underneath the bed. No. I'll go to bed. Cause sleep would be good... and my eyes really really hurt.