BLOGGING

So I have this nifty thing for vista where this is on my desktop. So I can blog any moment I think of it without opening the browser. It's crazy nifty!

I'm considering going back to using this blog again, but.... am concerned that most of my friends won't switch over to reading this one instead of my other. We'll see. I might just copy and paste blogs, but that gets boring and repetitive.

I'm using a crazy app!

La la la, I don't have my browser up. I gotta go to work.

Alive.

I'm still alive! That is all.

Vegas

So I spent like.... six hundred dollars on going to Vegas.

Heh.... oops.

I KISSED WAYNE NEWTON!!!! And a mime (on the cheek).... and after the mime was hitting on me, a clown kinda hit on me..... and then while in a parade (in the Rio) this old guy was like "Are you married?" "No" "I'm rich!"

Wayne said that I was a beautiful young lady. And he said to come back real soon... twice...

I'm obsessed with Wayne.

Thoughts

Ya know how if you wait too long to pee, you stop needing to go? That's the way it is with crushes. If your crush takes too long to respond in any way, it stops. So really, having a crush is like needing to pee. You have a physical desire which will only make the toilet/boy appealing for so long before your brain begins to ignore the physical desire.
I blame Megan for my interest in making out at the moment. She keeps talking about Sean and how in love they are and all that junk. So that makes me crave a relationship, which leads to me remembering how much I love making out. I'm half way tempted to be like "Hey Kody, ya know how you offered to help me out with the whole getting pregnant thing?" The pregnant thing... umm... I can't remember exactly, but I think I was talking about how I ought to get pregnant to get out of doing fit for life, and he volunteered to help me out. Anyways... "How bout you just make out with me instead?"
Obviously, I'm not going to do that. Cause friends with benefits is a farce, it never works out, and Kody is way too scared of messing up our newly resolved friendship.
You may find yourself wondering why I don't just find a new boy, say "wanna make out?" and act like a normal human being. I promised myself not to kiss a guy I hadn't been dating for at least a month, with five dates within that month at least. However.... I'm now starting to ponder the idea of changing it to fifth date I can kiss, tenth or fifteenth (haven't quite decided) I can make out. Lol... I'm such a pathetic loser.
I had some yogurt today that made me want to puke. Note to self: sixty cent yogurt is not worth choking down.
This weekend shall be quite awkward. See, Saturday I'm going hiking with a married man whose wife may tag along. It's a homework assignment, I'll leave it at that. Why must I always be the third wheel in life?
I have this sore in my mouth, where the cheek joins with the jaw... it's been like a week and it's barely healed any. Hurts like crap, I'm really getting tired of it.
I love the movie Fight Club.
I've realized that really.... drama.... is completely avoidable if you choose to avoid it. So all those losers like me complaining about always being dragged into dramas.... could just tell their gossiping friends to shut the crap up, we are just too cowardly to do so.
Plus, almost every human being creates their own soap opera. I hate all the shows on tv. They're all basically glorified soap operas now.
Sometimes I wish I'd been allowed to grow up as a screwed up idiot.... then I wouldn't be so depressed by the whole.... looking at the world and wanting them all to die.
I was bored on myspace and sent this bulletin:
"So I've decided to become invisible. Actually, that happened a long time ago I think.
Sometimes life is so..... surreal. I can jump off a cliff and be just fine, I could be shot in the head and just shake it off, I could win any fight....
I believe that the meaning of life is laughter.... yet it's been so long since I've laughed. Have you ever exaggerated a laugh to prove that you're laughing? Not like, the sarcastic kind, but just wanted everyone in a twenty foot radius to know that you're laughing? It feels really pathetic.
But then, what in life doesn't feel pathetic.
I blame Megan talking about Sean all the time for why I have the urge to make out with a guy. Tempted to talk my ex into making out (lol, well, he did offer to get me pregnant a couple weeks ago). See, I made this resolution that I wouldn't even kiss a guy till I'd been dating him for at least a month. Now kinda regretting that.
And now, I shall excercise."
That pretty much sums up how I feel.
Cramps and depression hitting in the same day not mixing so well.

Depression

How am I supposed to be happy when surrounded with depression?

Free time is boredom says:
So, whats on your mind
"I'm just hangin out in my bra." -Anonymous since if I told who she'd kill me says:
, I've decided I'm the missing link
"I'm just hangin out in my bra." -Anonymous since if I told who she'd kill me says:
between men and women
"I'm just hangin out in my bra." -Anonymous since if I told who she'd kill me says:
and thus, have no mate
Free time is boredom says:
...
Free time is boredom says:
...
"I'm just hangin out in my bra." -Anonymous since if I told who she'd kill me says:
cool, huh
Free time is boredom says:
...
I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:

I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:
not sure how to respond to that, eh?
Free time is boredom says:
no.
I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:

I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:
It's a good thing, see, that means I can't reproduce and further create the missing link
Free time is boredom says:
...
I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:

Free time is boredom says:
...
Free time is boredom says:
shakes
Free time is boredom says:
Whatever.
I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:

Free time is boredom says:
...
I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:
plus, I don't have to feel bad about giving up on finding someone to date
Free time is boredom says:
...
I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:
Yay!
Free time is boredom says:
...
I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:
or feel the guilt of bringing children into the world I hate
I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:
thinking I ought to stop
Free time is boredom says:
...
Free time is boredom says:
best choice right there.
I've discovered that I'm the missing link between men and women..... and as such, have no mate. says:
*sigh*
Free time is boredom says:
could I ask you to change your name?
Free time is boredom says:
I'm sorry...
Free time is boredom says:
I just...I don't understand how you can be so derogative abot yourself.
Meep says:
It's not about being derogative about myself
Meep says:
Not at all
Free time is boredom says:
I know
Free time is boredom says:
I'm sorry
Free time is boredom says:
it's your sn, you can choose it.
Meep says:
I mean, honestly, I know that I'm a freaking awesome catch
Meep says:
It's just annoying when no one picks up on that except me
Free time is boredom says:
I know
I miss the days of thinking of myself as something better than human. says:
I'm not so sure on that
Free time is boredom says:
what
I miss the days of thinking of myself as something better than human. says:
nothing
Free time is boredom says:
you okay?
I miss the days of thinking of myself as something better than human. says:
I will be
Free time is boredom says:
ok...


Was it so bad..... for me to try to just mask the pain with some humor?

I mean, I was fine. I truly was, humor is my way of dealing with crap, and then it was torn away from me....

The next six months need to be over, I need Mike, I need to be done here at Snow, I need to be moving on with my life.

I'm so freaking sick of the pain.... not exactly helping that this is mini BYU and everyone is freaking getting engaged. WE ARE CHILDREN. CHILDREN DO NOT NEED TO GET MARRIED.

Boys suck

Right, so right now every guy I have/had a crush on that I still talk to is currently in love with a girlfriend.

How freaking much does that suck? Majorly. Yes, I enjoy answering my own questions.

I mean, holy freaking crap.... how am I supposed to find a guy to date when.... the only ones that aren't taken..... that I know.... would be horrible to date.

Like.... I make this resolution that I won't kiss a guy till we've been dating at least a month, at least 10 dates.... and then for the life of me I can't find anyone that isn't taken.

Thanks, Snow, I love your five:one ratio of girls to guys.

Great Day

So today has been happy. Well..... sleeping.... not so much, in fact I'm wondering if sleep is just not my thing now. Last night I couldn't sleep, had a migraine, probably got four hours, woke up and wasn't tired, just feeling ill. Went to Stats, which was brilliant. I love statistics. Went to experimental analysis, was pretty good, not as good as usual.
Megan went home for the weekend.
Then I went with Kody to pick up his check from work and go to Walmart.
I just found the box elder bug that I saw earlier and killed it this time. I despise them.
Anyways, then we came here.... then we went to his place to watch Shawn of the Dead... then we came here to make food and watched Lady Death.... then we went to his place to give me music and play games. Speaking of which, there's this PS2 game that is freaking awesome. You play guitar. The guitar reminds me of the toy one I played with all the time (like, I got it on my birthday, and my mom wanted to get my picture taken professionally, and I refused to leave it at home, so it's in the picture with me). And the setup of the game is a lot like DDR.
And then Kody filled me in that it was four am.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, I had no idea. It feels like noon. I thought it would be like.... one am ish..... ha, no where close. And like, I was supposed to be kicked out at one am. LOL.... oops. I swear, that hall doesn't fine anyone for ignoring rules.
Anyways, so then, walking home (a whole 200 feet or so) two deer ran past. Like, out of nowhere, and like, that's not something i'm used to, even in this town. So it was awesome. They got seperated in the parking lot and I had a thought to try to herd the more confused looking one back to it's friend, and then I remembered about the whole..... I can't walk 30 mph..... and running was well out of the question. So I hope they find each other.
Here's the thing: I'm not tired in the least. It's a problem I think. And I don't want to just drug myself to sleep.

Sorry Cows

You scored as Psychology. You should be a Psychology major! Psychology 100% Philosophy 92% Theater 92% English 92% Anthropology 92% Sociology 83% Mathematics 83% Biology 75% Art 75% Linguistics 75% Dance 67% Journalism 67% Chemistry 67% Engineering 42% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

Beem

The Werewolf:

The Werewolf is the symbol for Spiritual Paths.
You have the soul of a wolf inside you, which
makes you warm and caring to those you love.

Strengths: Protection is a number one priority,
and therefore you always gaurd the ones you
love and keep tight bonds with your pack mates.
Loyalty is strong within yourself, and you also
expect it from the ones who are close to you.

Flip Side: Even though you care for those you
love deeply, if they betray you, anger races
through your veins. The Werewolf, despite it's
warm fun-loving personality, can also stand up
for itself if need be. You would have no
problem hiding your anger if something sets you
off balance.

Congratulations! You have a Werewolf inside!

pic (c) Christy Grandjean aka GoldenWolfen

What's Your Inner Beast? [pics]
brought to you by Quizilla



Athena


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Boredom

Immanuel Kant

You are one of the best and brightest of the
enlightenment. You mix solid reasoning with
high idealism and religious zeal to create a
unique mix. You like absolute truth and believe
that the universe is built upon absolute
ideals. You also believe that man has an
inherent duty to his fellow man, but you've
gotta feel it, not just do it. Ain't
selflessness a bitch?src="http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b17/totaldirt/200px-Kant.jpg"
alt="Image hosted by
Photobucket.com">

The Philosopher Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla


People disgust me, by the way. Why do I have to be far away when I feel like people need me?

Confessions (read all or none)

In the conversation I'm going to post, you'll learn things about me that I'm ashamed of. Incredibly ashamed of. In fact, the thing I regret most in life, and over the years I've done a lot of regretting.

Kody, my first boyfriend, got to second base with me. I don't feel completely responsible for this. I went over there. I allowed him to turn off the light, knowing what was coming, as it did every time. I knew that each time, I felt as though I was simply a doll. I allowed it to happen. Why? Because something inside of me that I'm scared to admit exists told me that he was my boyfriend. I was supposed to make him happy. I was supposed to compromise myself...

He made me feel as though I had control over the situation, he's say things like "You can stop me any time you want." I thought everything happening was what I wanted. I didn't allow myself to question. Why wouldn't I want to make out with my boyfriend? I knew, from him, that his body basically belonged to me... so didn't mine at least in part belong to him? Manipulation. He's since admitted that he saw me as an object and used me. Supposedly, it started out genuinely as liking me... but I have a very difficult time believing that.

When he got to second base (notice the lack of saying "we"), I knew that I didn't want this to happen. I froze. I was so scared of what would happen if I stopped him. I felt him keep raising my shirt, and I know that he felt how tense I got. It didn't come all the way off, but it might as well have. I dissociated. My mind couldn't handle it, so... I left my body behind for a while, just watching the events without emotion. Then he had turned on his side, I came back, I pulled my shirt back down, he asked me a strange question. "Why are you so afraid of your breasts?"

I don't know whether or not I'll be held accountable. I honestly don't know how much of it was my fault. I don't blame Kody. I blame myself. Of course. That was the last time we made out before he broke up with me. Yeah, I know, that's the real kicker... he broke up with me. Said something about me being more of a sister to him. Stupider words have never been said.

Second confession I'm going to make here, because I feel like I need to, is that promptly after he left after breaking up with me, I hid underneath the bed till I could easily escape to the bathroom, where I broke apart a razor (the kind you shave your legs with). It had been slightly over a year since I had cut (yeah, I used to practice self injury) and I was about to spoil it over a boy.

Megan, bless her soul, listened to the spirit's naggings to come check on me, and by the time she knocked on the door, I was laying on the floor, busting a gut. I had lost it. I had finally gotten a blade off the razor (those things are a challenge) and I was about to cut when I realized just how rediculous I really was. The spirit was nagging me to go talk to Megan, have her throw away the razor since at that point, I wasn't strong enough to. She knocked, I promptly went over and unblocked the door (it doesn't have a lock) let her in, and went through the motions of disposing of evidence. The only cuts I had were on my hands from the struggle with the razor wanting to remain whole, which I don't count as self injury since.... they weren't intentional, they just went along with the whole breaking the razor apart. I took care of them as well as I would have had I done them intentionally. (I've always been very serious about taking care of myself, I hardly needed an infection to explain away to a doctor).

So.... there you have my confessions.

I've learned a lot since leaving home. About the world. About people, about the qualities of people..... about corruption, lies, deceit, abuse.... about pain..... pain especially I've learned. I've learned heart ache, I've learned..... so much that..... a year ago I would have mourned for my sake. And yet, for some reason.... I'm thankful for it. Oddly enough. I wouldn't trade anything for my life. As screwed up as it is.... it's mine, and, in my own odd way, I'm thankful for it.

The two things I have.... that I have Kody to thank for the most.... is the realization of how weak I really am.... and the realization of how much the church means to me. He meant to do the opposite. Worked rather hard on making me lose faith in the church (as I see it, that would have allowed him without guilt to push me even further with him.... after all then I wouldn't need to remain temple worthy which he defines as a virgin in the most losely based way). He also worked hard to make me feel powerful.... as if I was in control when...... I didn't have any control.

*sigh*

But without further ado..... here is the latest conversation.

I suppose for those that don't know, I should point out that Kody dated Megan (roommate) before dating me. I'm not a skank, when Kody talked to her after talking to me about us dating, she got like mega excited for us. Mainly cause she knew it was my first boyfriend.

A sucky first boyfriend, but a first boyfriend.

Oh, and like, the translation part is asking what the second part of his name means that didn't copy over.


I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Translation?
9:10:41 PM
Azriel
will you go to bed with me?
9:10:52 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I HATE SIMNET
9:10:55 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
ummm
9:11:04 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
*furrowed brow*
9:11:18 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
shouldn't it be come
9:11:33 PM
Azriel
I don't know
9:11:37 PM
Azriel
it's french
9:11:38 PM
Azriel
who cares
9:11:55 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I swear it's spelt diff than that
9:12:04 PM
Azriel
Okay
9:12:17 PM
Azriel
it doesn't really matter it just amuses me slightly
9:13:31 PM
Azriel
maybe it is
9:14:35 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
*sigh*
9:14:43 PM
Azriel
sigh?
9:15:14 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
the world would be like 100 x's better if sex didn't exist
9:15:23 PM
Azriel
*gasp*
9:16:00 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm sick of the confusion that lust is love
9:16:19 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm sick of how many people are abused
9:16:34 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm sick of how many people only care about sex
9:16:46 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm sick of the contention
9:17:13 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm sick of people unfit for parenthood having kids
9:17:47 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm sick of pretty much everything that has to do with sex
9:18:07 PM
Azriel
so don't have sex
9:18:12 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
about 5% of the population does not abuse sex
9:18:24 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
you think that actually would help?
9:18:33 PM
Azriel
Nope
9:18:44 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
in a society where literally everywhere you look outside of the sanctity of your own home sex is everywhere
9:18:51 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and it's in the home on tv and other media
9:18:54 PM
Azriel
but at least than you could say that you weren't part of the problem
9:18:59 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm no
9:19:00 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
not
9:19:24 PM
Azriel
that is what millions of people also think
9:19:36 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I DON'T HAVE SEX
9:19:46 PM
Azriel
I KNOW
9:19:52 PM
Azriel
THERE IS NO NEED TO YELL
9:21:18 PM
Azriel
I know it sucks to always have it right there in front of your face
9:21:34 PM
Azriel
but I don't know what anyone can do about it either
9:21:46 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
we can blow up Vegas first
9:21:56 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
New Orleans has already been taken out
9:24:13 PM
Azriel
lol
9:24:27 PM
Azriel
they will just relocate
9:24:44 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
k, fine, when they relocate we'll blow that up
9:25:02 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and slowly but surely terrorize the world into submission
9:25:08 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
to leaving it to their own homes and minds
9:25:35 PM
Azriel
As long as people are human there will always be people who have to be exhibionists
9:25:45 PM
Azriel
(I think I spelled that right)
9:26:13 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
There isn't always bad
9:26:19 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
it's possible to just have good
9:26:25 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
if you're dedicated enough
9:26:45 PM
Azriel
not to mention ruthless
9:27:16 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm ok with that
9:27:35 PM
Azriel
Evil Lair here we come
9:27:50 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Know what? MY freaking freedom is under attack
9:28:00 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and I'm sick of it
9:28:10 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm sick of not being able to choose what is presented to me
9:28:18 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
just because I want to leave the house
9:29:04 PM
Azriel
you know what the problem is?
9:29:08 PM
Azriel
for every person like
9:29:09 PM
Azriel
you
9:29:13 PM
Azriel
the kind who care
9:29:23 PM
Azriel
there are about forty or fifty who don't
9:29:27 PM
Azriel
and one
9:29:33 PM
Azriel
who is just the opposite
9:29:57 PM
Azriel
and cares about the other side of what you care about
9:30:29 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and you happen to be on that side
9:30:44 PM
Azriel
actually I don't really care too much
9:30:53 PM
Azriel
but I like to argue
9:31:25 PM
Azriel
and if I did have to pick a side
9:31:42 PM
Azriel
it would probably be the "bad" side
9:31:47 PM
Azriel
cheessy
9:31:55 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Yes, allow more people to be raped
9:32:30 PM
Azriel
that is why we have better prevention programs and stiffer penalties
9:32:36 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
HA!
9:32:40 PM
Azriel
Yeah
9:32:41 PM
Azriel
I know
9:32:43 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
No
9:32:44 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
you don't
9:32:54 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
so you're going to feed people's desiere
9:33:03 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and then punish them for your own creation
9:34:22 PM
Azriel
pretty much
9:34:38 PM
Azriel
you know as well as I do that everyone has the power of choice
9:34:48 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Yes
9:34:50 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
They do
9:34:58 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
except people like me
9:35:08 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
because I can't choose to avoid it
9:36:11 PM
Azriel
True
9:36:23 PM
Azriel
but you can choose not to let it effect you
9:37:06 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
that's a nice thought
9:37:21 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
kinda like if a pin keeps stabbing you in the arm, you shouldn't let it puncture
9:37:36 PM
Azriel
yeah..... or nothing at all like that
9:38:33 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Kody
9:38:38 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
whether you want something to or not
9:38:45 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
if you are continually exposed to it
9:39:11 PM
Azriel
the effect it has on you is diminished
9:39:16 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
it WILL affect you
9:39:19 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
NO
9:39:29 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
It affects you more and more
9:39:34 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
because you accept it
9:40:48 PM
Azriel
but you don't have to accept it
9:41:01 PM
Azriel
and I don't think that is what happens anyways
9:41:22 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
It does
9:41:29 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
that is a psychological fact
9:41:36 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
that's not just my opinion
9:41:48 PM
Azriel
there is no such thing as psychological fact
9:41:55 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
THAT is why you're not supposed to expose yourself to crap
9:41:57 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
yes there is
9:41:58 PM
Azriel
it is just a commonly held theory
9:42:24 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
a theory is a way to explain a group of facts
9:43:08 PM
Azriel
a theory is a mental construct that a group of people can agree on until something better is found
9:44:50 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
theory: a general principle formulated to explain a group of related phenomena
9:45:00 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
From the Dictionary of Psychology
9:45:51 PM
Azriel
a "general" principle
9:46:12 PM
Azriel
"related phenomena"
9:46:23 PM
Azriel
"dictionary"
9:46:40 PM
Azriel
you ever hear of a guy named Isaac newton
9:46:42 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
The more you witness something
9:46:46 PM
Azriel
how about Einstien
9:46:46 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
the more you get used to it
9:46:50 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
the more it is in your head
9:46:57 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
the more you can't get it out of your head
9:47:06 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
you can resist
9:47:13 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
but eventually, you will cave in
9:47:29 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and you won't feel guilty for it
9:47:34 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
because as your thoughts
9:47:41 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and desires have turned towards it
9:47:50 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
you have changed your opinion of it
9:47:53 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
ever so slightly
9:48:02 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
as to prevent yourself from becoming hypocritical
9:49:01 PM
Azriel
but people can be stronger than just what the chemicals in their brains says they should be
9:49:20 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
No they can't
9:49:26 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
that defies science
9:49:32 PM
Azriel
yes they can
9:49:33 PM
Azriel
science
9:49:34 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
that would be a miracle
9:49:38 PM
Azriel
SCIENCE!!
9:49:48 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
a miracle would mean you believed in God
9:49:58 PM
Azriel
or the soul
9:50:03 PM
Azriel
or the spirit
9:50:08 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
the soul is the essence of God
9:50:20 PM
Azriel
acoording to who?
9:51:21 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Merriam Webster the spiritual principle embodied in human beings, all rational and spiritual beings, or the universe b capitalized, Christian Science : GOD 1b
9:52:06 PM
Azriel
once again you rely on not only what other people tell you but also what one specific group of people tell you
9:52:47 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
the more sex is in the media, the higher sexual abuse rates increase
9:52:53 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
positive correlation
9:53:04 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
supporting sex in the media
9:53:09 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
is supporting sexual abuse
9:53:18 PM
Azriel
you just changed the subject
9:53:37 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Back to the one before all that cause we won't get anywhere with that
9:53:42 PM
Azriel
Okay
9:53:45 PM
Azriel
Still
9:53:51 PM
Azriel
the only reason
9:53:53 PM
Azriel
Only
9:54:48 PM
Azriel
is because as the population increases it follows that cliche's or groups do not retain the same number of people but rather the ratio of people
9:55:01 PM
Azriel
and
9:55:10 PM
Azriel
there are a lot more reported cases now
9:55:14 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
the PERCENTAGE of people raped is higher
9:55:19 PM
Azriel
then there was before
9:55:44 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Years ago, it was expected by both sexes to have a third person on hand
9:55:44 PM
Azriel
reported rape is higher
9:56:00 PM
Azriel
because people are more comfortable with disclosing it
9:56:01 PM
Azriel
and
9:56:03 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
do you actually not believe that sexual abuse hasn't raised in percentage?
9:56:07 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Has
9:56:22 PM
Azriel
the definition of abuse has changed as well
9:56:43 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
SCREW THAT
9:56:48 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Answer the freaking question
9:57:30 PM
Azriel
it raised in the 80's and 90's and now we are getting control of it slightly
9:57:39 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
ha ha ha ha ha
9:57:59 PM
Azriel
look up the actual stats
9:58:02 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Kody, I've been raised to fear men
9:58:14 PM
Azriel
so have I
9:58:55 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I've been raised to do everything possible to prevent myself from being one on one with a male
9:59:25 PM
Azriel
and maybe if you hadn't you wouldn't be freaking out about the sex charged media
9:59:42 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
9:59:57 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I've been raised by the media
10:00:08 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
this is more of a teenage rebellion
10:00:30 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I am a goose! And a polar bear. says: that the more sexual exposure, the more sexual abuse there is in the world Michael says: that one is to complicated for the likes of me Michael says: All I know is there should be less exposure Michael says: Yeah actually that would have to be true Michael says: Most people do horrible acts because they let their hormons get out of control with porn and stuff
10:01:12 PM
Azriel
now you're double teaming me!!?
10:01:22 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Yes because you're wrong
10:01:49 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
wrong in the way that more people get hurt
10:02:07 PM
Azriel
how will more people get hurt if I believe the way I do?
10:02:16 PM
Azriel
I have no power over anyone
10:02:21 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
ha ha ha ha ha ha
10:02:23 PM
Azriel
I do not control anything
10:02:24 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Sure
10:02:26 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
sure, Kody
10:02:34 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
go ahead and believe that crap
10:03:14 PM
Azriel
How
10:03:31 PM
Azriel
how would me believing the way I do directly hurt someone?
10:03:47 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
have you suddenly forgotten getting to second base with me?
10:04:21 PM
Azriel
Oh
10:04:31 PM
Azriel
CRAP
10:04:33 PM
Azriel
!!!!
10:04:40 PM
Azriel
you suck
10:04:44 PM
Azriel
I never win these things
10:04:47 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
true, I do suck
10:04:56 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
also, you debate people
10:05:03 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
you try to make them believe that sex isn't bad
10:05:09 PM
Azriel
it isn't
10:05:15 PM
Azriel
within the right context
10:05:32 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
it isn't when it's in marraige between two loving people, which is about 5 freaking percent of marraiges
10:06:17 PM
Azriel
marriage doesn't really make that big of a difference if you ask me
10:06:34 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
how many people stay together that aren't married
10:06:43 PM
Azriel
don't know
10:07:01 PM
Azriel
how many people get married and than get divorced?
10:07:11 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
a freaking ton less
10:07:23 PM
Azriel
how do you know
10:07:37 PM
Azriel
what are the stats on marriageless coupless?
10:08:04 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
stats lie
10:08:10 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
it's a stupid thing to ask for
10:08:19 PM
Azriel
than how do you know how many stay together?
10:08:27 PM
Azriel
hmmm?
10:08:30 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I've seen it
10:08:34 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I've seen people have kids
10:08:38 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and not get married
10:08:43 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
there's no real commitment
10:08:51 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and I've never seen one survive
10:08:54 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
have you?
10:09:01 PM
Azriel
Nopw
10:09:11 PM
Azriel
but I have seen a lot of marriages end
10:09:13 PM
Azriel
Like
10:09:16 PM
Azriel
More than not
10:09:19 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and you've seen some survive
10:09:23 PM
Azriel
a few
10:09:25 PM
Azriel
a small few
10:09:29 PM
Azriel
and in those cases
10:09:34 PM
Azriel
it is ugly
10:09:37 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
that's still more than unmarried
10:09:43 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
it's the fault of the people
10:09:56 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
usually means they shouldn't have given up
10:09:57 PM
Azriel
just because we don't see it doesn't mean anything
10:10:05 PM
Azriel
And
10:10:09 PM
Azriel
I forgot
10:10:18 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
so what, we should go about life having sex with who we please
10:10:23 PM
Azriel
No
10:10:29 PM
Azriel
I never said anything like
10:10:30 PM
Azriel
That
10:10:31 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Only with those we love?
10:10:38 PM
Azriel
CRAP
10:10:41 PM
Azriel
you suck
10:10:46 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
yes I do
10:11:07 PM
Azriel
why do you always agree when I say you suck?
10:11:13 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and then break up and hurt even worse for doing it?
10:11:21 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
because I have a low self esteem
10:11:39 PM
Azriel
Oh
10:11:53 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
sex leads to pain, unless the relationship continues
10:11:59 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
till death do you part
10:12:10 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
sex leads to craving more
10:12:16 PM
Azriel
in my own personal experience
10:12:16 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and when you don't have a source to go to
10:12:29 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
you end up raping someone or finding a one night stand
10:12:33 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
which creates more pain
10:12:38 PM
Azriel
K
10:12:49 PM
Azriel
in my own personal experience
10:12:55 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
you already said that
10:13:40 PM
Azriel
the relationship in which I had actual intercourse type actions, that relationship hurt less than breaking up with you
10:14:01 PM
Azriel
Yeah
10:14:55 PM
Azriel
having sex can hurt a lot if you aren't ready for everything that goes along with it unfortunately the easiest way to find out if you are or not is to do it
10:15:11 PM
Azriel
so yeah
10:15:18 PM
Azriel
you argued better than I did
10:15:21 PM
Azriel
you won
10:15:30 PM
Azriel
you probably are right
10:15:39 PM
Azriel
but until you can make me change my mind
10:15:46 PM
Azriel
it doesn't mean alot
10:16:23 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
that's called, you didn't feel guilty and like a piece of scum
10:17:03 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
this is why I hate society
10:17:11 PM
Azriel
Why?
10:17:37 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
you can be right, people don't care
10:17:42 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
They like the way they live
10:17:52 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Even if somewhere inside of them they know it's wrong
10:17:54 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
They don't care
10:18:06 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
They don't care who gets hurt because of how they feel
10:18:14 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
They don't care what happens to them
10:18:24 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
as long as what they want at the moment is taken care of
10:18:27 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
all is fine, right?
10:18:38 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
As long as they get what they want, it doesn't matter
10:21:36 PM
Azriel
and even though I know that I should feel something right now, I don't. intellectually I know that I should be all kinds of upset, especially since a lot of this is directed towards me, but inside it's like there is a gate or something that holds all my emotions in it, and it is closed up good and tight
10:22:02 PM
Azriel
I guess that makes me less of a person or something
10:22:06 PM
Azriel
but you know what
10:22:10 PM
Azriel
I still don't care
10:22:53 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
which is why I feel nothing about the Iraqi war
10:23:01 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
all it is is wasted life
10:23:05 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
9/11
10:23:23 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Civil war
10:23:28 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
World Wars
10:23:31 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
it doesn't matter
10:23:38 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
homicides
10:23:40 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
suicides
10:23:44 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
They don't matter
10:23:50 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
because they're not human anyways
10:24:08 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I've changed my oppinion
10:24:14 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm the human
10:24:22 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
it's the rest of the world that isn't
10:24:36 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
except people like President Hinckley
10:24:37 PM
Azriel
now if you could only find the rest
10:24:56 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I'm thinking that that would be a shame
10:25:13 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Then what would I have to be depressed about?
10:25:33 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Then what would make my heart ache?
10:25:51 PM
Azriel
it wouldn't
10:25:56 PM
Azriel
isn't that what you want
10:26:00 PM
Azriel
to end the pain?
10:27:30 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
No
10:27:41 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I want to end the sin
10:27:51 PM
Azriel
Oh
10:27:54 PM
Azriel
a crusader
10:28:11 PM
Azriel
why don't you try to focus on ending your own sin
10:28:27 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
I can't
10:28:34 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
because I can't fight off my future rapist
10:28:39 PM
Azriel
and just pray for us poor fools who aren't as enlightened as you
10:28:54 PM
Azriel
who says you are going to get raped?
10:29:01 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
there's no point in praying for those who don't want to change
10:29:07 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
society
10:29:09 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and myself
10:29:39 PM
Azriel
you have faith in god don't you?
10:29:59 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
Yes
10:30:08 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
but God can't force people to change
10:30:19 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
or unharden their hearts unless they want that to happen
10:30:34 PM
Azriel
Than live your life in such a way that gods faith shows forth in you
10:30:50 PM
Azriel
and he will take care of you
10:31:04 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
some of the best people I've known have been raped
10:31:48 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
He's not going to prevent me from going through trials
10:31:56 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
and he can't stop people from hurting me
10:32:02 PM
I am a goose! And a polar bear.
because it's their own choice
10:32:44 PM
Azriel
I still don't know why you obsess with your own UNPREDICTABLE future rape
10:33:22 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
ha a ha ha ha ha ha
10:33:34 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
1/3 women in Utah are sexually abused
10:33:53 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
and I freeze up when something happens
10:33:56 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
hooray!
10:34:08 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
I'm part of a statistic
10:34:26 PM
Azriel
you are a pessimist
10:35:14 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Because of society
10:35:19 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Thanks society, once again!
10:35:59 PM
Azriel
you can't blame society for the way you are
10:36:05 PM
Azriel
But
10:36:10 PM
Azriel
I know right now
10:36:15 PM
Azriel
that nothing I can say
10:36:29 PM
Azriel
will miracously make you feel better will it?
10:37:20 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
No, because there's no heart behind it
10:38:26 PM
Azriel
well there is frustration that you won't try and change yourself and there is a little bit of pity that you Are so sad
10:39:08 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
that I won't try.... that.... IIIII won't try
10:39:10 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
10:39:15 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
I hate pity
10:39:54 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
I hate pride
10:40:17 PM
Azriel
why don't you tell me all the emotions you hate?
10:41:09 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Shut up
10:41:13 PM
Azriel
K
10:41:16 PM
Azriel
goodnight
10:41:28 PM
Azriel
I'm sorry this got so out of hand
10:41:37 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
No
10:41:44 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you're not
10:42:02 PM
Azriel
don't tell me how I feel shelly
10:42:11 PM
Azriel
I like you
10:42:22 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
but you don't like me right now?
10:42:22 PM
Azriel
you are a fun person to be around
10:42:32 PM
Azriel
Most of the time
10:42:33 PM
Azriel
No
10:42:39 PM
Azriel
I do like you right now
10:42:57 PM
Azriel
I feel like I've failed you
10:43:13 PM
Azriel
I thought I was a half decent friend
10:43:21 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
that's the problem with high expectations
10:44:40 PM
Azriel
better than none
10:44:56 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
that way you don't get hurt
10:45:06 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
which also sucks
10:45:10 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
cause then you do stupid things
10:45:12 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
constantly
10:45:25 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
and those are the people that hurt me, the ones without expectations
10:45:31 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
not the ones with high expectations
10:47:09 PM
Azriel
nothing I can say will make you feel better will it?
10:47:19 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
no, that won't change the way you feel
10:48:20 PM
Azriel
you see what you just did you relied on someone else
10:48:51 PM
Azriel
it isn't about changing how I feel
10:49:03 PM
Azriel
Start thinking of yourself more often
10:50:32 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Riiiiiight, so then I would be another idiot
10:50:44 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
it's time for me to go take a bath
10:50:46 PM
Azriel
and I really hope your christmas present from me to you won't be the last thing I have to remember to you by
10:50:48 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
want to talk to megan
10:51:02 PM
Azriel
if she wants to talk to me
10:55:09 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
so why exactly wouldn't i want to talk to you
10:55:25 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
?
10:56:21 PM
Azriel
I dunno?
10:56:45 PM
Azriel
because I'm a big stupid jerd
10:56:47 PM
Azriel
K
10:56:50 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
well, wouldn't you have to know in order to be sayin that?
10:57:13 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Only when you are making people like my friends cry
10:57:22 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
and i think you need to know that you did make shelly cry
10:57:37 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
whether you were trying to or not i don't know, but you did, and i don't like that.
10:57:56 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
would you care to tell me why she was crying, what you were talking about?
10:58:36 PM
Azriel
we were talking about people
10:58:55 PM
Azriel
like society in general
10:58:55 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
...and
10:59:13 PM
Azriel
and I was debating with her
10:59:15 PM
Azriel
as usual
10:59:22 PM
Azriel
she won
10:59:25 PM
Azriel
as usual
10:59:27 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
what was the subject?
10:59:39 PM
Azriel
she thinks she is going to be raped
10:59:48 PM
Azriel
And
10:59:48 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
did she say that?
10:59:51 PM
Azriel
Yeah
11:00:01 PM
Azriel
not like in the immediate future
11:00:07 PM
Azriel
but sometime in her life
11:00:16 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
well, it is a high possiblity
11:00:35 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
what did you say to that?
11:00:56 PM
Azriel
a bunch of stuff
11:01:09 PM
Azriel
she thinks I am a heartless person
11:01:19 PM
Azriel
someone who has no feeling's
11:01:33 PM
Azriel
and that I don't care about her
11:01:46 PM
Azriel
and just all this stuff
11:01:50 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
that's not what she thinks i don't think. if i'm correct, she just thinks that you have no idea what love really is
11:01:58 PM
Azriel
I know that
11:02:11 PM
Azriel
she has leveled that accusation at me several times
11:02:36 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
she isn't the only one who feels that way. i feel that way towards you sometimes myself
11:02:49 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
but that's not the point.
11:03:01 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
the point is, you really hurt shelly tonight.
11:03:19 PM
Azriel
not to mention all the other times too
11:03:25 PM
Azriel
I know
11:03:29 PM
Azriel
I know I hurt her
11:04:19 PM
Azriel
but if I try to apologize she says that I am just saying because that is what she wants to hear and not what I actually think
11:04:21 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
did you do it on purpose out of spite?
11:04:25 PM
Azriel
No
11:04:43 PM
Azriel
what reason would I have for spite
11:04:50 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i don't know
11:04:57 PM
Azriel
shelly has never been anything other than kind to me
11:05:04 PM
Azriel
she has always been there for me
11:05:21 PM
Azriel
you think I don't realize how much I hurt her
11:05:42 PM
Azriel
do you honestly believe that I am THAT mean and heartless
11:05:43 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you know you hurt her, but the magnitude of it you can't really begin to comprehend online
11:05:52 PM
Azriel
not just tonight
11:05:57 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
not heartless, just man-like
11:06:30 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
oh, trust me. i know you hurt her. we talk about everything. but normally you don't drive her to tears.
11:06:53 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
there was something more tonight. you struck a chord that you can't take back
11:07:00 PM
Azriel
I know
11:07:22 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i know you didn't mean to, and that you'd do anything to fix it probably, but that's just it. it can't be fixed.
11:07:33 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you just have to live to make up for what you did.
11:07:53 PM
Azriel
shelly is deathly afraid of being one on one with a man
11:07:53 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you have to realize that you don't know everything about women, and the woman psyche.
11:07:58 PM
Azriel
I know that
11:08:02 PM
Azriel
I don't think I do
11:08:07 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you ACT like it
11:08:12 PM
Azriel
Fine
11:08:14 PM
Azriel
yep
11:08:15 PM
Azriel
I do
11:08:17 PM
Azriel
Now
11:08:24 PM
Azriel
I was trying to say something
11:08:24 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
and actions speak louder than words ever could
11:08:33 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Then finish
11:08:45 PM
Azriel
we were talking about rape
11:10:00 PM
Azriel
and I said something to the effect that I don't rape is that serious of a problem anymore not intensity wise, but magnitude
11:10:19 PM
Azriel
I think maybe I made her feel like I don't care about anything
11:10:23 PM
Azriel
like rape
11:10:27 PM
Azriel
or death
11:10:38 PM
Azriel
or murder or anything like that
11:11:09 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Kody, over the past few years, the rape count has increased, not decreased
11:11:12 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
that was her point.
11:11:23 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
more rape is occuring now than ever before
11:13:01 PM
Azriel
I've let you both down I'm not a good friend and I'm sorry
11:13:14 PM
Azriel
I let shelly down hard
11:13:48 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you aren't a bad friend... for the most part....
11:13:59 PM
Azriel
I think maybe, everyone's lives would be better if I just didn't exist anymore
11:14:00 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
but everyone is a bad friend once in a while
11:14:08 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
that's not true
11:14:29 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
mine is a lot better because of you
11:14:42 PM
Azriel
one person
11:14:53 PM
Azriel
and you would have been okay without me anyways
11:15:14 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you would be better withou ever having dated me.
11:15:26 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
so perhaps i'm the one that shouldn't be around ever. true?
11:15:30 PM
Azriel
No
11:15:38 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
explain?
11:16:22 PM
Azriel
I learned a lot about myself after we broke up stuff I wouldn't know if it hadn't been for you
11:16:34 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Ditto
11:16:38 PM
Azriel
but maybe you are right
11:16:50 PM
Azriel
maybe no one should have ever existed
11:16:55 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
but I also was the cause of problems for you
11:17:03 PM
Azriel
and I wasn't?
11:17:27 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
and you weren't what?
11:17:40 PM
Azriel
I didn't cause you any problems?
11:17:53 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
none that i couldn't deal with
11:18:01 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
honestly...
11:18:07 PM
Azriel
sa e here
11:18:19 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
?
11:18:23 PM
Azriel
*m*
11:18:55 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
well obviously one of those problems you can't deal with very well cuz you still think you're in love with me.
11:19:09 PM
Azriel
fine
11:19:12 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
if we hadn't dated that wouldn't be a problem you would have to face
11:19:19 PM
Azriel
I'm not in love with you
11:19:23 PM
Azriel
never was
11:19:32 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
not the story i heard the other day now was it?
11:19:37 PM
Azriel
Nope
11:19:45 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
but I already knew you weren't in love with me.
11:19:52 PM
Azriel
you did huh
11:19:58 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you were in lust with me maybe, but i don't believe that fully either
11:20:12 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i know the difference between love and lust when i see it kody
11:20:28 PM
Azriel
Than what was it
11:21:15 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
with you, i think you were wanting someone to get pleasure from, but never really lusted after me. i was just a convenience for you
11:21:24 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you didn't have to work for it
11:21:28 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i was always just there.
11:21:59 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i may have this wrong, but that's what you put across more than once to me.
11:22:04 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
in various ways
11:22:09 PM
Azriel
How
11:22:17 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Body language,
11:22:20 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
things you said to me
11:22:27 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
the look i saw on your face at times
11:22:29 PM
Azriel
like what?
11:23:03 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
"i didn't really expect to fall in love, i actually started dating you because i wanted a girlfriend."
11:23:18 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
It's not really that big a deal.
11:23:29 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i knew what it was, and i was okay with it
11:23:41 PM
Azriel
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME HOW I FEEL!!!
11:24:20 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i'm not telling you how you feel, i'm telling you what it came off as. how you were acting and the way you did things, that's the message that you were sending.
11:24:29 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i don't know how you felt, and i don't pretend to.
11:24:35 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
but I know what it felt like
11:24:44 PM
Azriel
why didn't you say something
11:24:53 PM
Azriel
because you just didn't care
11:24:55 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
what was i supposed to say?
11:25:00 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i did care
11:25:11 PM
Azriel
that I was treating you like a tool
11:25:15 PM
Azriel
I don't know
11:25:36 PM
Azriel
why didn't you tell me that is how you felt when you first started realizing it?
11:25:37 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i was confused by it. i didn't know if i should say anything or not cuz i didn't want to hurt your feelings, but, well, now i see it's only fair
11:25:47 PM
Azriel
openness
11:25:49 PM
Azriel
honesty
11:25:56 PM
Azriel
what the crap?
11:26:23 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Kody, sometimes silence is the right answer
11:26:27 PM
Azriel
No
11:26:32 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
and at the time, it was for me
11:26:35 PM
Azriel
silence leads to confusion
11:26:37 PM
Azriel
and pain
11:26:43 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
to tell you all of this at the time would have killed me
11:26:44 PM
Azriel
i'll tell ya right now
11:26:55 PM
Azriel
whyu
11:27:07 PM
Azriel
why would it have been so hard for you?
11:27:39 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
because i hate myself ... utterly loathe myself when i make someone upset. it tears me up.
11:27:48 PM
Azriel
get over it
11:28:18 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
and at the time i didn't like myself very much anyway, and a person's first and number one priority is self-preservation and protection.
11:28:30 PM
Azriel
How
11:28:34 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you should know that one pretty well
11:28:44 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
How what?
11:29:09 PM
Azriel
how did I satisfy self preservation, and what do you mean "you should know that one pretty well"
11:29:15 PM
Azriel
for you
11:29:28 PM
Azriel
Wow
11:29:31 PM
Azriel
GA
11:29:45 PM
Azriel
all this stuff was just floatin beneath the surface
11:29:52 PM
Azriel
and I had no idea
11:29:57 PM
Azriel
I was happy
11:30:09 PM
Azriel
I thought you were happy too
11:30:27 PM
Azriel
and now I find out how you really felt
11:30:35 PM
Azriel
did I ever
11:30:37 PM
Azriel
even once
11:30:45 PM
Azriel
make you feel loved and special?
11:30:58 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
yes you did once in a while.
11:31:51 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i'm not telling you that you're a terrible person and that i hated every second of being with you, i'm just telling you the truth, and saying what has been needed to say for a while now
11:32:37 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Kody, i never loved you, and never claimed i did.
11:32:50 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
but I'm grateful i dated you
11:33:05 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
it taught me a lot about myself and other people
11:33:12 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
and how to interact
11:33:20 PM
Azriel
what a fantastic constilation prize
11:33:31 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i learned more from our relationship about people than from almost anything else
11:33:47 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
I'm not trying to give you a prize.
11:33:52 PM
Azriel
Duh
11:34:27 PM
Azriel
*sigh* I know I'm being childish
11:34:27 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
and i'm not trying to piss you off but it seems that's all i've been capable of the past couple weeks and i'm not even sure why
11:34:48 PM
Azriel
it's not even you guys
11:34:54 PM
Azriel
I'm just immature
11:34:58 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Then why are you telling us it is?
11:35:03 PM
Azriel
and insecure
11:35:06 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
telling ME it is?
11:35:07 PM
Azriel
I meant today
11:35:40 PM
Azriel
I just found out that me real dad moved to neveda, without telling me
11:35:50 PM
Azriel
just my dad
11:36:07 PM
Azriel
my stepmom and the kids stayed her
11:36:16 PM
Azriel
I hate it
11:36:20 PM
Azriel
I hate it mehan
11:36:39 PM
Azriel
why do I hurt the people who do nothing but care for me?
11:37:05 PM
Azriel
I'm sorry
11:37:24 PM
Azriel
maybe everyone would just be happier if I didn't come around anymore
11:37:40 PM
Azriel
and be everyone I mean you and shelly
11:37:50 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
your dad moving is no reason to be angry at the world or blow up at everyone around you all the time.
11:37:57 PM
Azriel
I know
11:38:12 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Kody, i'm not going to start throwing a pity party for you because of it.
11:38:22 PM
Azriel
I don't want one
11:38:24 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i'm done playing games like that with people
11:38:51 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
if you didn't want any pity then why did you tell me that your dad moved and that it upset you?
11:39:00 PM
Azriel
I don't know okay
11:39:06 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
Okay
11:39:26 PM
Azriel
I don't know why I do half the stuff I do
11:39:29 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
are you mad because i'm happy?
11:39:32 PM
Azriel
No
11:39:40 PM
Azriel
I want you to be happy
11:39:56 PM
Azriel
actually
11:39:57 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
are you mad that i'm not happy because of you?
11:40:07 PM
Azriel
that might be it
11:40:12 PM
Azriel
Yes
11:40:29 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
that's what i was afraid of
11:41:21 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
that's another reason i didn't invite you over when sean and carl were here. i thought that just maybe you would see how happy i was with sean and be mad that he was making me that happy instead of you.
11:41:39 PM
Azriel
why didn't you tell me that?
11:42:17 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
because i didn't want to say something when i had little to no ground to be saying it
11:42:53 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
because it's hard to approach you about this stuff
11:43:08 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
sometimes you intimidate me with your angry responses.
11:43:18 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i'm not the strongest person.
11:43:41 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
i have a hard time standing up to someone when they are mad, especially when they are mad at me for something
11:43:57 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
especially when they are my friend
11:43:57 PM
Azriel
I never would have done anything to you
11:44:05 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you did do something to me
11:44:13 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you were mad at me for a week over it
11:44:23 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
still are as far as i can tell
11:44:23 PM
Azriel
?
11:45:31 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you know what
11:45:33 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
about sean and carl
11:46:52 PM
Azriel
I wasn't mad at you anymore, but this conversation, and the one I had with shelly. I don't know megan, I'm just a sad person I guess sad and pathetic
11:47:17 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
no, not pathetic.
11:47:38 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
you need to figure out what you really want.
11:47:50 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
what you REALLY want
11:47:54 PM
Azriel
I don't want anything
11:48:05 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
everyone wants something
11:48:12 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
or someone
11:48:21 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
it's a fact of life
11:48:29 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
what do you want out of life,
11:48:34 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
what you want out of other people
11:48:43 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
what you want for you
11:49:20 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
look, i have to go to bed. i'm sick and i have class early in the morning. and i have a test in that class.
11:49:37 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
think about what you've heard and said tonight.
11:49:44 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
maybe try to sleep
11:49:48 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
be mad at me if you want to
11:50:02 PM
Azriel
I'm not mad at you
11:50:26 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
well, whatever, but i have to go to bed. i'll talk to you later.
11:50:50 PM
Azriel
goodnight
11:51:19 PM
*SLAMS HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO WALL*
night

*LOUD ANGRY SCREAM*

That's it! I hate people again! I hate them!!!! I wish they would all burn in their perverted ways, where is Dante's Inferno when you NEED it?????? DANTE! I had an itch on my neck and all I want to do is keep scratching until maybe I can be rid of all humanity within me.

I HATE THEM ALL!

I mean, seriously, every freaking day I realize something more dispicable about humans. I've been ignoring it lately, or at least trying and *SCREAM* I HATE THIS!

My hands are cold.

I spent twenty minutes cleaning up filth off this computer. Porn. There is nothing I hate more than porn. At least at the moment when I'm fuming. I just.... hate humanity. I hate that I have to clean that crap up because some dolt is addicted to it and can't freaking....... WHERE IS THEIR SELF CONTROL!?!?!?!? IL don't freaking get it, how can you not have any self control? How can you just fearkingk do as you wanty and not carea about the conssellquences and who has to clean it kup for you and what thr esmfreaking crap!?!?!?! I'm so..... revolted by evceryone and everything and I jwant to kfreaking explode.... no, implode, that would be better. Create a black hole that all this filth can be sucked into..... and it's been a long times since I was mad enough taht I was like this.

12:41] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
I hate humans..... I mean, for the most part, all they do is for their own enjoyment
[12:42] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
gah...... why can't I just be surrounded by people like me..... cynical hateful people that just want to blow up the world
[12:42] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
nods
[12:42] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
nods
[12:42] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
however
[12:42] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
you speak as if you are not human
[12:42] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
I've done that for some time
[12:42] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
because than the world would be exploded
[12:42] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
Honestly, I see little connection between me and the filth that surrounds me in here
[12:42] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
woah
[12:42] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
shelly
[12:43] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
calm down
[12:43] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
I don't want to calm down
[12:43] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
you start refering to them as filth and pretty soon you a diabolical lair and henchmen
[12:43] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
I want to scream out at the top of my lungs that they can all burn in hell for all I care, start kicking things, and run out screaming
[12:44] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
yeah
[12:44] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
No..... see, I don't want power
[12:44] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
actually, a recluse is more of what I'm thinking
[12:44] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
that is definately a maniacal villian type thing
[12:44] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
Just go live in a cave or something
[12:44] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
lol
[12:44] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
apparently I've been bottling up my anger
[12:44] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
no power is involved with the ones who want to destroy everything
[12:44] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
just hold on to your dreams
[12:45] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
nods
[12:45] dark_blazing_angel@hotmail.com says:
nods
[12:45] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
I don't really want to destroy everything
[12:45] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
I just want to kick the wall and then my foot will hurt, no damage done to the wall
[12:45] pacepicantesauce@hotmail.com says:
a little to my shoe, but that would be unintentional harm



I'm sick of this world. I'm sick of having to hear about all the crap people do I'm tired of seeing it in people I'm tired. I'm just tired.

And it didn't help that the girl next to me was looking at guys topless. Or that the guy across from me is freaking chicken pecking LEARN TO TYPE YOU'RE FREAKING IN COLLEGE ALREADY!

*grumbles*

why can't I just pick like 100 people to survive with me on a boat and flood the earth again?

ROCK THE CRADLE OF LOVE

I love life. I freaking love life. I LOVE IT!!!!

I have a boyfriend again! At the moment just online, but he may be coming home tomorrow to make me a true badger! Sweetness! He he he he he he he, I'm so happy. Patricia talked to me for a while after social psych, she was like "I always feel like we should pray after that class" and I was like "Totally! I feel the spirit more there than in institute!" and it was so happy, cause like, someone else established what I think all the time. It was great!

La la la roommates

I copied this over from the email I sent my mom!


So I haven't written to anyone in a while, cause I was frustrated and a bit bitter. See... I've been noticing missing things lately..... and when half my loaf of bread was gone and I hadn't touched it, I figured I had firm proof that someone had been stealing from me. I knew all along that it was Melissa, but to double check myself I asked Amber and Megan if they'd used any of my bread. Even asked Kody. They all said no, which I already knew, and told them that I knew they hadn't.
And so... on umm....... I think Wednesday last week, I asked Melissa calmly if she'd been using my bread. She said no, and that maybe I should HIDE IT. That pissed me off. So I went to my room with the half a loaf and slammed the door hard enough that the frame shook and Megan jumped. I talked to Megan for like five minutes while I calmed down and gained courage. Then I went back out, sat down, and calmly explained that Amber and Megan said they hadn't taken it. I explained that when people lie to me, it's like a slap in the face saying that they think I'm stupid enough to believe it. She still didn't confess, and even said that she thought Amber took it.
So I went to my room and was angry and Brittany came over and made me happy and I made several gripings with the door open about someone lying about stealing my bread and about how they suck and then I was happy again.
The next day, I found a note on my food cabinet door.
It read, exactly.....

"Shelly

Sometime on Friday - Sunday we need talk about some things. I appreciate your friendship + I am not doubting that I'm suppose to be in this Apartment.
Leave a note under my door when we can talk.

Melissa Plumb

I'm sorry I've ben a Lier/Jurk, and A bad freind.
please forgive me.

no one must read it."

And so after Megan, Kody, and Amber left for the weekend I hid in my room the whole time. I didn't actually talk to her until Sunday night at 11. I asked what she wanted to talk about.

She asked me if I honestly wanted her to stay or leave next semester.

Ya know..... I honestly feel bad for her. Cause like, she alienates all the friends she has, no one can stand being around her. Megan, one of the most compassionate people I've met.... wants to kill her.... Amber hates her. The friends she had are pissed off at her cause of a bunch of crap she pulls. She acts like a five year old in a twenty two year old body. So I've been patient with her. I've been kind. I'm not even pissed off at her anymore.

She's never formally apologized or even admitted to stealing from me. I needed that. So for like half an hour I sat in there occasionally making comments about how I feel about being lied to.... and how it made me feel..... and even went so far as to say that it made me wonder what else she had lied about.... what else she had stolen...... to all of this, her only response was "yeah" "mm hmm" as she put away her laundry. That pissed me off. So I asked a couple direct questions like "Why did you lie about stealing it" which she really just muttered nonsensical sentences to about how a friend had been in a situation similar but different and she was worried and something clicked in her mind. Basically, I got the impression that something clicked in her mind that told her to lie to save our relationship.... and something about this happening with another person, I think it was her stealing from someone else as well...... but I honestly don't know cause she was being secretive about it.

So anywho...... after trying for like a half hour to get her to just like.... formally apologize..... or at least try to justify herself..... and her avoiding any real discussion.... I gave up, made it a lost case, and said no.

Honestly..... I've forgiven her. However, she's driving Amber and Megan insane. Amber already snubs her and refuses to acknowledge her existence. Megan avoids her so far as to spend the entire day at the library to avoid the chance of running into her. I'm doing it more for their sake than for mine. Plus, she'd have an awful time if she stayed.

And then she was like "I never should have moved in. Amber was right, I've already jeopordized our friendship and with Amber. The only relationship I haven't jeopordized is Megan's."

I had to stifle a laugh cause Megan hates her now and is actually kinda mega weirded out by her cause like, Melissa took the whole..... gay joke (me and Megan like to joke about us being girlfriends cause it's hilarious) way too far by kissing her on the cheek a couple times. And the whole, Megan felt bad for Melissa since she hasn't been home all semester so she let her come home with her even though she really didn't want to. She was embarrassed of Melissa the entire weekend and like.... didn't hang out with most of her friends because of it. And like, Melissa put Megan in a bad mood for the entire week.

So anyways, that's taken care of now. Now Megan and Amber can stop considering moving off campus to get away from her.



Whew..... in other news, I have a date for the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I'm way excited. Also, you get to pick me up on Tuesday! Sweetness. I'm so excited to come home. Since the Kody break up (did I tell you he said "I see you as more of a sister"?) and roommate issues, I've been a bit homesick. Plus I miss Kirsten way bad cause we haven't seen each other since John's farewell. And someone on campus has her car and every time I see it I think of Kirsten!

Anywho, gotta run to class now.

GOOM! Last Weekend.

So Megan went home last weekend. With Melissa. She's a stronger person than I.

While she was gone, me and Kody hung out almost the whole time. Like... Friday we decided to have a party. So we went to Walmart and got two cases of pop. That was also to help my can collection, I have over fifty now. I also got the second season of Third Rock from the Sun cause I love it. We watched the first dvd before Kody got kicked out.

On Saturday, around noon, I went over and we made breakfast. Delicious pancakes. And cheesy eggs. It was marvelous. OH! Friday we got a ride home from Walmart from random nice people. It was so awesome! But anyways, on the way to my place, we saw two girls in blankets and pillows and stuff lying out on the lawn. So we said hi and somehow we all decided that we should meet at one am and like, sleep outside. Crazy. Yes.

So then we watched the rest of Third Rock from the Sun and then talked for a while and it was 1:30 am and we went outside and one of the girls had actually showed up. in a tent! So we walked over and she was like "HEY! You're the people!" Ha ha, yeah, we still didn't know names or anything. So umm... we went back inside and grabbed a bunch of blankets and then went out and the three of us got comfy in the tent. And then the other girl showed up with her boyfriend and since the tent was really just a two man tent, they got comfy outside the tent. We had a lot of fun talking and stuff and then Brittany (the one in the tent with us) was having allergy issues and decided to go back inside. I'm guessing that was at about 3 am. A little while after she went in, Chandler (Sierra's boyfriend) started trying to figure what it would take to get us out of the tent. We settled on nylon rope. I don't really know why. Kody wanted some. So we got outside and holy crap it was cold. Kody gave me a dialogue of what he thought was going on inside the tent based on what we heard for a while. At 6 am we finally wimped out and decided to get our keys from inside the tent which required asking for them. So then Sierra and Chandler were like... if you guys are going in, we are too. Kody wanted to stay with me for the rest of the night, so we decided to sneak him into my dorm.

K.... so I'm a bit confused. Kody is obviously still physically attracted to me since he'd start cuddling with me, usually start complaining about being a boy, then turn his back to me and a few times I got the feeling he wanted to kiss me. I don't really know what to make of that, but to be perfectly honest, I would have kissed back. And like... we started out in my bed (k... so I took my socks off when we got inside and when our toes would touch, they'd stick together.... THAT'S how cold our toes were) and then I noticed he moved to the floor, and then to Megan's bed. Woke up at about 11:30. Came out of my room and Amber had come home. So I figured she would be confused, so after Kody left, I explained about sleeping outside and stuff.

So yeah....

And I don't feel like making an extra post, so I'm explaining here that I gave blood yesterday for the first time.

It was fine for a while, but nearing the end, I started getting really light headed and couldn't focus and felt like I was going to pass out. So since the girl working with me wasn't paying attention, the guy working on Megan on the other side of the room (about 40 feet away) noticed how pale I was getting and stuff and he and Megan kinda exchanged glances (she informed me of this) and he booked it over to me, asked how I was doing, went faster than I've ever seen getting the needle out of me. He didn't even try to ask me to lift my arm up like he did for everyone else. As soon as I was bandaged, he got me an ice pack and told me not to shut my eyes and stuff. Holy crap it was hard keeping my eyes open. I got the whole.... fuzzy hearing and stuff and like... my entire body ached and I just wanted to pass out so bad. I almost blacked out but somehow stayed with it. Anyways, he put the ice pack on my chest and the girl got one to put behind my neck and I was sweating profusely, so she dabbed my forehead which I was very grateful for. Kody got me water, juice, and cookies, and I stayed propped up for like ten minutes. I stayed sitting for like another ten before the ice packs came off and then like five minutes before I thought I could stand up. So yeah, I'm having fun telling people I almost died. Is it a lie? Yes. I don't care. It's more fun that way, plus I seriously was worried about myself and how fast that guy was working.

So anyways, that was yesterday.

I'm bored of writing.

Halloween!

So I'm writing this a week later, but I don't care.

I dressed up as a leprachaun for Halloween. The ward party was lame, so we went trick or treating.

I was hyper.

That was mainly an act.

Bleah... bored

You Should Get a MD (Doctor of Medicine)

You're both compassionate and brilliant - a rare combination. You were born to be a doctor.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Personality Profile

You are nurturing, kind, and lucky. Like mother nature, you want to help everyone. You are good at keeping secrets and tend to be secretive. A seeker of harmony, you are a natural peacemaker. You are good natured and people enjoy your company. You put people at ease and make them feel at home with you.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

That's what I would have gotten a couple days ago. However, today....

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You Are Internal - Realist - Powerful

You feel your life is controlled internally. If you want something, you make it happen. You don't wait around for things to go your way. You value your independence and don't like others to have control. You are a realist when it comes to luck. You don't attribute everything to luck, but you do know some things are random. You don't beat yourself up when bad things happen to you... But you do your best to try to make your own luck. When it comes to who's in charge, it's you. Life is a kingdom, and you're the grand ruler. You don't care much about what others think. But they better care what you think!

The Three Dimension Luck and Power Test

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people. You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together. Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly. People crave your praise and complements.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

That's enough for now.

Single

So a "wise" doctor told my human biology professor that you can't have a relationship completely based on sex. You also can't have one without sex. This was the opening to the lecture on sexual anatomy on Monday.

My thoughts... men and women do not understand each other. Being as such, we should learn from the smarter animals (not ravens who mate for life) and simply go through life single.

Yes, that's a lie. As much as I hate the whole... relationship thing...

I am choosing not to cry.



I AM learning from little kids. The robot toy is the coolest! Being human... is one of those sucky things and I don't remember.... yes I do but that's not the point... why I decided to start feeling things again.

So... yeah.... I did learn that God truly is watching out for me though.

Like five guys (online.... I find that really pathetic) have asked me in the last like.... week..... if they could take me out on a date. Now that I could... I really don't want to.

This was not a good day to wake up with a migraine. Actually, this was just.... overall a bad day. But I did learn that Brittany is even more freaking awesome than I had thought. And so is Megan. And I told Melissa about how I used to cut.

Screw it. This is my blog, I'm sick of holding back details because of who I give the address out to.


So Kody told me that I'm more like a sister to him.

The thing that doesnt' add up is that he said that it happens to him in all his relationships. See... before he told me that if any of his old girlfriends would take him back, he would be with them. So... yeah.

I kinda crawled under the bed and bawled till he left, then I went into the bathroom and tore apart a razor (it was a crappy one that always knicked my legs way bad) and as soon as I got it apart I realized how pathetic and hilarious the situation was, and started laughing hysterically and fell on the bathroom floor. I got up to.... play.... with the blade I'd finally gotten off, then burst out crying again.... or laughing.... I honestly don't know which. Megan knocked on the door.... which was a Godsend..... literally. I had just been thinking that what I ought to do is just leave and give them to Megan cause I knew I wasn't strong enough to just throw them away..... I knocked the door wedge out (which I had firmly in position) and let her in.... threw away the blades, and like...... that's the first time anyone has ever been home in the midst of me cutting. Always before.... when I used to cut, I would like, plan in advance when no one would be home and do it then.

Megan told me once I was..... sane.... again, that she had this nagging feeling that she tried really hard to shake that she needed to go talk to me. The Holy Ghost is real. This is the kind of thing that..... let's me know that the church is where I need to be.

Anyways.... after cleaning up my fingers which were sliced open a bit from the furious fight with the razor (dang those things are hard to pull apart) we went back into our room and after many hugs, I got online.

Basically, online... I found friends... but no real comfort. Looking at anyone's face basically sent me crying.... so I didn't really want to do that. Brittany came over and I just tried to stay focused on the computer. Then I decided I couldn't take it anymore and turned to tell them I was going on a walk and of course started crying.... so then Britt gave me a hug and I basically only said that life sucks cause I couldn't say more than that, grabbed a blanket, and went on my walk.

I basically speed walked looking for a field. I didn't want the park. So I went to the edge of town and since the fields I had found all had fences, I put the blanket on the gravel by the road and just let it all out. Didn't take..... too relatively long to realize a lot of things. I came back in a cynical sort of mood, on the verge of tears still but pretending not to be. Britt gave me.... an awesome note. Megan seemed quite unsure of the change which.... was pretty accurate I figure.... mm..... yeah, I basically had a mental breakdown and was on a rollercoaster ride.

Anyways..... after many talks and hugs.... I feel..... like not all men suck. This time, though.... I'm thinking I'm going to do like.... the smart thing.... and go a long while without thinking about boys. Maybe it's time to move to Colorado or something.... mm.... Denver.....



I now shall eat tapioca. (that's a lie, it's not set up). Then maybe wedge myself back underneath the bed. No. I'll go to bed. Cause sleep would be good... and my eyes really really hurt.