I hate life
All I really want to do at the moment is cry. But I can't, of course, cause it's my sister that needs the help.
I've just spent over an hour trying in vain to help my sister... and the tears keep coming. My mom took over. I just... feel so incredibly helpless. What can I do? She's sick of getting yelled at by customers and is frustrated cause T Mobile is saying that like... there's a fraud alert on her credit... but she like... has very little credit and it makes no sense and I don't even know that much about credit. And everything I offer that I may possibly help with, like, loaning her money, comes back with her saying that wouldn't work... like, the car is acting up, I offered to take the blame, tell my dad I ran into something or something, she said he'd still blame her which is probably true, and I don't know. I'm supposed (yeah, shut up, I know it's a cd) to be the one that can fix things. Yet there's nothing I can do, just sit here complaining cause I'm worthless. How did that even come around? It's like... I don't do anything.... I don't help anyone..... and I hate myself for that. But life has been good lately so where is all this coming from, ya know? It makes no sense. I hate that, everything should run by logic. There's a problem, you find the cause, you fix it, problem gone, but there's no logic to life.
My sister kept saying "being a big kid sucks" and ya know what? It's true. And I knew I was lying through my teeth when I told her that it would get better and she called my bluff and said no, it wouldn't.
And then like.... why the crap did my depression go that long without being noticed by anyone? Please tell me this. Cause like... I looked at a bunch of really old school stuff.... and like, sixth grade I freaking turned in a poem all about like.... blood and death and knives in sixth grade and no one freaking asked me about it??? Seventh grade I turn in an art assignment of a girl crying and I show a gun lying on a table behind her and no questions are asked??? What the freaking crap? Shouldn't a teacher at least like, raise an eyebrow to this type of behavior??? Especially when I did sometimes bring it up with my mom and she always just ignored me and lied to me about it?
Just... k, so my life sucks now. My life has sucked for the past.... 7.... 8 years now or whatever. And all of this has been without financial worries and I've only had one job and now I'm going to like, have to live on my own and figure out what the crap I'm going to do with the rest of my life when I don't have any idea WHAT to do..... and I'm like, starting to doubt my decision to become a therapist cause if I really suck this bad now how much am I going to suck in the future?
And like, Paul blocked me like months ago and I have no idea if he like hates me or just has no interest in talking to me.
Like.... I'm 18. I'm supposedly an adult now. My friends have jobs, are actually like... being adults. I'm here at home being pathetic. And.... what am I supposed to do? It's like... okay... I graduated.... big whoop, out of the 729 students in my year, like 690 graduated. Wow, I wasn't one of the 39 or so that didn't make it. Impressive. And like, I hang out with all the people that like... cared... and tried... so I feel like an idiot cause they all panic at like A-'s and thought they would die if they got a B and like.... I'm happy with a B.... how pathetic am I?
And here I am pissing and moaning when I have no right to. And like, my dad freaking screwed things up by telling my sis she was blowing things out of proportion and when I tell him that she has plenty reason to cry and has had a really hard day at work he just keeps on saying stuff that make my sis feel even worse and she'd just freaking talked about having no one supportive in her life and I'm like... okay, so I guess I'm not supportive, I don't know, she like hasn't even talked to me lately cause she's always at work or with friends or sleeping.
Okay, done. Enough whining for one night.
I've just spent over an hour trying in vain to help my sister... and the tears keep coming. My mom took over. I just... feel so incredibly helpless. What can I do? She's sick of getting yelled at by customers and is frustrated cause T Mobile is saying that like... there's a fraud alert on her credit... but she like... has very little credit and it makes no sense and I don't even know that much about credit. And everything I offer that I may possibly help with, like, loaning her money, comes back with her saying that wouldn't work... like, the car is acting up, I offered to take the blame, tell my dad I ran into something or something, she said he'd still blame her which is probably true, and I don't know. I'm supposed (yeah, shut up, I know it's a cd) to be the one that can fix things. Yet there's nothing I can do, just sit here complaining cause I'm worthless. How did that even come around? It's like... I don't do anything.... I don't help anyone..... and I hate myself for that. But life has been good lately so where is all this coming from, ya know? It makes no sense. I hate that, everything should run by logic. There's a problem, you find the cause, you fix it, problem gone, but there's no logic to life.
My sister kept saying "being a big kid sucks" and ya know what? It's true. And I knew I was lying through my teeth when I told her that it would get better and she called my bluff and said no, it wouldn't.
And then like.... why the crap did my depression go that long without being noticed by anyone? Please tell me this. Cause like... I looked at a bunch of really old school stuff.... and like, sixth grade I freaking turned in a poem all about like.... blood and death and knives in sixth grade and no one freaking asked me about it??? Seventh grade I turn in an art assignment of a girl crying and I show a gun lying on a table behind her and no questions are asked??? What the freaking crap? Shouldn't a teacher at least like, raise an eyebrow to this type of behavior??? Especially when I did sometimes bring it up with my mom and she always just ignored me and lied to me about it?
Just... k, so my life sucks now. My life has sucked for the past.... 7.... 8 years now or whatever. And all of this has been without financial worries and I've only had one job and now I'm going to like, have to live on my own and figure out what the crap I'm going to do with the rest of my life when I don't have any idea WHAT to do..... and I'm like, starting to doubt my decision to become a therapist cause if I really suck this bad now how much am I going to suck in the future?
And like, Paul blocked me like months ago and I have no idea if he like hates me or just has no interest in talking to me.
Like.... I'm 18. I'm supposedly an adult now. My friends have jobs, are actually like... being adults. I'm here at home being pathetic. And.... what am I supposed to do? It's like... okay... I graduated.... big whoop, out of the 729 students in my year, like 690 graduated. Wow, I wasn't one of the 39 or so that didn't make it. Impressive. And like, I hang out with all the people that like... cared... and tried... so I feel like an idiot cause they all panic at like A-'s and thought they would die if they got a B and like.... I'm happy with a B.... how pathetic am I?
And here I am pissing and moaning when I have no right to. And like, my dad freaking screwed things up by telling my sis she was blowing things out of proportion and when I tell him that she has plenty reason to cry and has had a really hard day at work he just keeps on saying stuff that make my sis feel even worse and she'd just freaking talked about having no one supportive in her life and I'm like... okay, so I guess I'm not supportive, I don't know, she like hasn't even talked to me lately cause she's always at work or with friends or sleeping.
Okay, done. Enough whining for one night.
posted by Cynic at 10:53 PM
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