Fascination

I have found someone. Someone... a lot like me. He's 18. I found his journal.
His name is Andrew.
Paul's middle name is Andrew. That was my first guess when he told me his middle name starts with an A. I rock. Anyways, back to what I was saying.

Selection from his journal:
"i just need something good in my life at this point.
be it a girl, an experience, something. i am so complacent right now that it might start hurting soon.
gah, i don't know. i'm... off lately.
not happy, not sad. not... not.
i need something i can touch. something that can keep me moving, make me feel. something maleable.
and a job. which will just suck the life out of me very slowly.
i just need feelings. a change.
i have plently of ideas but nowhere to go with them. deltona is a black hole for ideas. it just sucks them up and gives you back a big plate of nothing.
traveling somewhere sounds good. somewhere new. or just a change of scenery.
my tiny room is equal to my tiny life. i haven't done much.
i'm too safe.
if you were given a billion dollars, what would you do?
i'd do nothing. at all. i would buy a small apartment, a nice sound system, a good tv, and i would do nothing. thats it. i would sit. thats the frame of mind i am in. i have done nothing with my life as of yet, so i see myself doing nothing if given the chance to do anything.
wow... that came out a bit philosophical.
i've never really want to do anything. not drive, not go to school, nothing. the only thing I like to do is write, and watch good movies. downside is, i haven't really written a dedicated piece in a very long time because i've been so complacent. in order to write you need emotion. one would think the lack of emotion would be enough, but its not. its almost as if i'm not breathing air, but boredom... i don't even know what i am saying anymore. i just. don't know.
i've got legs, but if i try to walk i get scolded for doing so, and then I get yelled at because I'm not a perfect clone of what my parents want me to be. but, at the same time, i know that if i were to leave the confines of my house, i would crumble. i would need to latch onto something else to take care of me. i've been coddled and at the same time pushed away all of my life to the point that i am eternally stuck in the middle of the road with no true path.
i... should go."


He fascinates me... cause that sounds a lot like me. That's my real problem. Simple boredom. Yeah, depression and GAD handle in, but the majority is boredom. It's that simple. Being frustrated in going nowhere. Doing the same thing everyday, I just want some change, some purpose. I want a job. But I refuse to do something stupid. One of the happiest summers of my life was working at Holiday Inn Reservations. It was great.... no, I didn't really do much, but I was doing something. Helping people make vacations. Not anything big, but... still, it was something. That's all I need. Something. James told me to get a job. I miss James, but I know I can't go back just cause I miss him.

I hope that someone sees me like I see James. It's like... this profound feeling that you can trust someone.... even when you don't know them yet. I've written that about Coach Flint too. Just.... someone that I could open up to, cause I knew he wanted what was best for me. While he led me down one path I disliked to a great extent... I place no blame on him, and I'm not angry about it cause it was done in good faith.